A while back I blogged this “How A Baby Changed Our Life.” I mostly blog about happy things here or personal finance related but not much about my marriage. So obviously for me to be in that state of mind was probably one of my worse moments. It was scary and I felt alone because my best friend, my husband, wasn’t being supportive. I didn’t know who he was. Why would he say those things, etc. Overall all I wanted what was best for my son and I didn’t want to raise him around someone who didn’t want to accept the responsibilities of being a parent.
I was actually prepared to call my sister and tell her my problems and ask her if my son and I can move in with her. That would have been a big shocked to her but then again sometimes I can go for weeks without sitting down and talking to her ( I do text her pictures of my son daily which isn’t the same). Overall my family and his family thought we were a great couple because we supported each other emotionally and generally have the same views on most things. For us to have these problems would be a shock if they knew everything.
What Changed In Our Marriage
Our marriage was hard at that point and thinking back it was probably because he felt alone as well and didn’t feel like I supported him. To be honest I was crying a few times a week with how each time he reacted with unkind words about my son, and regrets that just pushed me away. I felt so alone because I already was exhausted from sleepless nights, my deteriorating health, keeping our home clean, and scared of divorce.
Eventually I stopped hiding my feelings from him. When he vented I kept my mouth shut because that’s how my husband dealt with his frustrations. I figured his anxiety ( He has ADD too) would get worse if I lashed out with how I felt. That stopped when he noticed I just cried and got frustrated. I told him how I felt. I told him I didn’t know him anymore. I’m tired of him telling me how he regretted our son and to be honest each time he told me felt like a knife through my heart. I basically told him to stop thinking of us before our son because focusing on the past doesn’t help you move on.
Then I told him I would consider leaving him if he didn’t changed. Why should our son be around someone who doesn’t want to be around him? My family has dealt with spouses like him before and I have nephews and nieces who grew in to normal kids with only one parent. That revelation for him is probably the start of realizing he was being a big douche.
How He Changed
My husband changed. It wasn’t immediately but we supported each other more. When he became frustrated I tried to tell him it’s OK, parenting is hard. I try to let him have alone time. Some women or men might think that’s very selfish of him to want that but to be honest it’s what works for us. He let’s me have alone time too. He stopped saying all those mean things to me. Now he is always filled with regret with those things he said and did. Every week he apologizes to me and to my son.
I tell my husband he doesn’t have to apologize so frequently. He wonders how can I be so forgiving. Well I wouldn’t be so forgiving if he didn’t changed. He also needed to stop feeling so guilty. He was only like this for about 4 months of my son’s life. If he kept feeling guilty he won’t enjoy parenthood with me.
How I Changed
In order for our marriage to work at that point I also had to changed. I had to stop viewing him as someone who isn’t trying. I also had to stop criticizing him on how to deal with my son. It’s obvious with me my son is always happy. With my husband he is too (Ok sometimes not) but my husband isn’t afraid to let him cry for a long time. I had to get over that. If he forgot to feed him a certain time, or play a certain way, I had to let it go.
I’m glad I did. I don’t go to work worrying about him accidentally hurting my son, or if my son is eating right, etc. Eventually as my son became older it became easier to take care of him. He didn’t require so much attention and can be left alone to play by himself or watch his show. My husband started to take care of him more and play with him more.
Progress Is Good
One day I blogged this ” Happy 🙂” After that I knew he changed. Now our family isn’t picture perfect but we have definitely progress in to looking forward to spending time with each other more. I’m even more confident to have another child if we choose to.
I don’t know what to tell you if you are going through the same situation as me. I know there was a lot of resentment in me going on and when I realize that, I knew I had to change the way I look at things. My husband did too and I ‘m glad he did because to be honest I probably wouldn’t know what to do if things didn’t eventually work out.